Voices

There are voices in my head and voices that I speak. Some of them are me and some aren’t. I am not suggesting that I have a clinical psychological disorder. Although as I write this it does make me pause, wondering if what I am getting at here could have a connection to such things.

For most of my life, I’ve lived inside my head. So often there are things that I want to say that somehow get stuck in there. Some unnamed fear holds me back. These voices are me. Finally, they are starting to find their way out of my head. A few years ago, I had a dream. I was with a tiny girl that was just learning to speak. She seemed to be afraid to speak in front of the tall adults nearby. What touched me so deeply in the dream was her courage to speak although it was just a faint whisper. I can still remember the feeling of her soft breath on my ear as she whispered to me.

The girl is me. She is the soul me. At that time, she was just beginning to whisper. That is starting to change.

There’s been another voice in my head.

Dream: There is a pool and I am about to dive in.  A woman says, “Don’t go in there. It’s not safe.” I ask why and she says there is a chemical in there. I think that maybe it will be safe to go in tomorrow.

I’m excited, ready to dive in! But then I hear a voice. It’s a voice of caution, hesitation, uncertainty. That is another voice that has been living in my head. For years and years, that voice has been much louder than the tiny whisper of my soul girl. It’s the voice that stops me from diving in.

This has been a life long pattern. I become excited, enthusiastic about a project or interest and then – poof! it disappears. It leaves me standing at the edge of the pool wondering what just happened. I’ve been confused and disheartened by this pattern in my life.

That voice in my head has made its way to my speaking voice as well. In a recent dream session, Rodger detected that voice. When he asked me how I felt about something I said, “I don’t know.” He asked me to say it again. When I repeated it, I could feel and hear the low, drawn out frequency of it.

I   d o n’ t   k n o w

At that moment, the voice was revealed. The voice is not me. It is the voice of the woman by the edge of the pool. It’s a voice that stops me. It’s a parasite, that has been living inside me, sucking up my energy. But now I know that it is not me.

Since it was revealed, I’ve heard myself using that voice. But now, I am on to it. When I catch myself speaking in that slow, indecisive tone I know it is not me. When I hear a voice inside my head that is full of caution and hesitation, I know I don’t have to listen to it.

When I take my attention away from the “I don’t know” voice, the faint whisper can begin to grow and change into a vibration that will let the truth of my soul voice emerge.