Dream: Julia (9 years old in the dream) and I are on a trip having a great time. She seems so independent and I am proud of her. We’re at a hotel and I take a shower. When I get out of the shower she is gone. I look in the pool. I think of diving in but the water is murky and I can’t see if she is in there. I am getting frantic. I see a man standing straight up under the water. He’s doing something with some other kids under the water. I go over and tap him on the shoulder. Before I even say a word he says, “She’s not in here. I promise you.” I am relieved that she isn’t in the pool. I start looking elsewhere and I call out for her. I look in the play area in the basement. She’s not there. I feel guilty that she is gone. What will Mark think? Maybe she was abducted. Where could she be? Then, in walks a neighbor family for a party. I feel envious because they have their whole family there. One of their girls (Julia’s age) is there. She is reassuring her Grandma saying, “Its OK, I need to talk about it.” I realize that she is referring to talking about her friend that just died. She seems more mature than 9 years old and seems to have already accepted the loss of her friend.
This is a long involved dream that takes some time to work through. The main point of the dream is that it shows how I lose my girl (part of my soul self) by not allowing myself to be vulnerable, in my feelings.
When I wake up from this dream, I remember my first experience at sleep away camp (the summer before turning 9). Although associations upon waking don’t always seem relevant at first, often there is a connection. At camp, I was the youngest one in my bunk and so I was a great target for bullying. Although I had a perfectly miserable time, when I came home I told everyone how great it was. I lied because in my mind, everyone had expectations that I was going to love camp. I was learning to hide my feelings in an attempt to live up to other’s expectations. My girl would have said what she felt. I was losing my girl.
What follows shows how we worked the dream step by step. Parts of the dream are in italics. The paragraphs that follow represent what Rodger was suggesting to me during the session.
Julia and I are on a trip having a great time. She seems so independent and I am proud of her.
I am proud of Julia for being independent but it is the type of independence of not being vulnerable which pulls me away from my girl. I am praising this independence but this is the girl who does not feel. That is why I lose her. Being vulnerable means having the capacity to receive love, feelings. When I lose feelings I can’t connect, can’t receive love.
When I get out of the shower she is gone. I look in the pool. I think of diving in but the water is murky and I can’t see if she is in there. I am getting frantic.
Frantic is good in that at least I am feeling. I am scared that I have lost her. I am in a feeling place of losing her. I am in a place of terror in looking for the lost girl.
I see a man standing straight up under the water. He’s doing something with some other kids under the water.
He’s the animus standing up under the water – able to breathe in the water. He is in his essence. He has the capacity to feel.
I go over and tap him on the shoulder. Before I even say a word he says, “She’s not in here. I promise you.”
He knows where she is. He is sure she is not in the water. How could she be in the water? She is “independent”, in other words, not vulnerable. The animus is comfortable in his feelings – the water. The independent one can’t be in there. So where is she if she’s not there in the water? If I had asked him, he would have said “She’s in you… but she is hidden because you want to be independent.” I am independent. I don’t need the animus.
If he is so sure that she is not in the water, why don’t I engage him and ask him “where is she then?” but I don’t. I am independent. I just go off to look for her elsewhere.
I am relieved that she isn’t in the pool. I start looking elsewhere. I call out for her. I look in the play area in the basement. She’s not there. I feel guilty that she is gone. What will Mark think?
Here I move away from my feeling of being terrified that she is gone. I move to guilt. It’s jumping away from my feeling. I make it about Mark rather than feel the loss of the girl. Guilt is how I handle it. Do I do this in my life? Instead of feeling my own feeling, do I go to guilt, worrying about what somebody else thinks?
Then, in walks a neighbor family for a party. I feel envious because they have their whole family there
I am jumping even further away here. I go from being frantic about finding Julia, to guilt, to being envious of someone else’s family. I make it all about somebody else. I project feelings of loss onto them, onto envy. I see a wholeness there that I lack myself. When you project, you forget your own loss. The psyche is like a hot vessel filled with feelings … when you project, you give away feelings, like losing heat.
One of their girls (she is Julia’s age) is there. She is reassuring her Grandma saying, “Its OK, I need to talk about it.” I realize that she is referring to talking about her friend that just died. She seems more mature than 9 years old and seems to have already accepted the loss of her friend.
In the dream I see it as positive that she is mature but really it is not good because “mature” is just a word for independent which = not vulnerable. This girl (me) at 9 years old is not feeling her feelings. She is no longer vulnerable. I became the girl who accepted the loss of the girl (the death of her friend). I became the girl who would cover up to protect other’s feelings. Instead of my hurt, I was more concerned with other’s judgment of me.
It takes patience to methodically work through a dream like this. There are lots of details that could easily be overlooked. But each part of the dream is significant, suggesting step by step how I lost my girl. The goal of the dreamwork is for me to learn how to get her back again.
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