Bravado

Dream: It is night and I am walking alone down a city street. I see the shadow of a large man standing in the middle of the road ahead. He is standing with his legs apart, kind of in a threatening posture.  I walk confidently towards him feeling very sure of myself. I feel sure I can walk right past him with no problem. As I get closer, I think of what Mark tells me about not walking alone on city streets. I begin to doubt myself. I think of my girls. It occurs to me that he could rape me. I am developing more and more fear. I decide I better turn back so I begin to run as fast as I can away from him. I wake up with a feeling of intense fear.

Maybe the animus presents himself here as a shadowy man in order to show me something about myself.  As I write this (weeks after having the dream) I think I have a better understanding than I did when we first discussed it. In the dream I start off “confidently” but the confidence quickly unravels as I doubt myself.  Rodger calls it bravado – a false sense of bravery. So really, I start off with bravado, not confidence… which works at first but then it breaks down. It’s an unstable place to be. It doesn’t take much… a thought of what Mark tells me, caretaking thoughts of my girls…and the bravado disappears as fear comes rushing in. This dream and others show that over the years, I have created the “independent girl” persona. I am the girl that puts aside her feelings. I’m the strong girl – – not. As this dream episode demonstrates, there is fear underneath it all.