After the session (from the last blog post – Dream of the two boys) I move into a depth of feeling that is completely uncharted waters for me. A place I have never felt. Coming into this dream work, one of my intentions was to feel more deeply. I had wanted to feel and now I was… but this isn’t what I had been looking for! Or was it? This is a depth so low, so full of misery – energy churning through my body – confused – not sure where to go. Released but trapped inside. In a way- a weird way it is exciting, new. I can’t function. I can only be with it. I am trapped in it as it is trapped in me. I have no choice. I can’t hide from it, run from it. It is there – rushing, confusing, swirling – crazy!! At least I can feel, so I guess this is a break though of some sort. How will I function? I need to pick up something for dinner. I go to the grocery store and walk around like a robot. Automatic movements taking over – praying I don’t have to interact.
A little later I write this:
New
a door is opening
first just a crack
and then
wide open
woah!
the rush, the energy
swirling, moving, trapped in me
confused, taking over, no escape
stay
feel
this is new
depth
lower places bubbling up
confused, churning
so low, but in a way exciting
new
what is happening?
I can’t think my way out
thinking’s been switched off
only feeling
crazy feeling
HELP!
I stay with it almost with a sense of wonder
every nerve ending is lighting up – in motion
the movement is unbearable
I bear it
where will this take me?
I want out!!!
but really
I want in
The next day, I am walking in the woods with my dog Kelly….
My place of peace doesn’t calm me. I’m a mess! I’m a piece of shit! I cry. I feel confused and low. I really don’t know why I am feeling this way. It is clear that the dream session churned up something inside of me. Is it guilt or shame for what I did to my sister? For hiding this work from Mark? Who knows?! I can’t understand it, but I certainly can feel it.
So during my walk, I do the homework. I feel into the dream of the dead boy. I am supposed to be feeling into the sadness of his death but when I lift the car seat cushion, he jumps out! I am startled. I am confused. I thought he was dead but I guess he was hiding. Hmmm. That part of me, my boy self that had been missing has been there all along … not dead, just hiding.
I am starting to get used to re-entering the dreams for my homework by way of a waking daydream. I do kind of wonder if I am just making some of this stuff up in my head. Like… the dead boy jumping up for example. If so, I wonder how I could be so surprised to see him jump up? If I were making it up, then I would already know he was alive. It is a mind warping kind of experience. Perhaps it is coming from a subconscious or unconscious place. I really have no idea.
As the days go by, I continue to do the homework with imagining the little boy. I slowly develop a strong affection for him. Even a feeling of heart felt love. He wasn’t dead. I made that assumption in the dream. Where do I make assumptions in my waking life?
I also continue to do homework from another dream where I am introducing Rodger and Mark. It doesn’t take me long to come to the conclusion that I can’t hide this dreamwork from Mark any more. The strange thing is that I am not exactly sure why I am hiding it. Maybe like Rodger had suggested, hiding behaviors have become so ingrained in me that I don’t even think about them. That needs to change!
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