In a recent dream session Rodger, my Dream Therapist asks me if I can think of any examples where I have felt that edge between excitement and fear. I mention starting a new job or meeting someone new. Yesterday I experienced another example on the ski slope.
As I begin my first run of the day (and the first one since last year) I am reminded of the close relationship between fear and excitement. It is something that had never occurred to me before working with dreams but it seems so obvious to me now. The morning is spent getting my ski legs back. At one point we come to a double black diamond. Looking down over the practically vertical drop, I am full of fear. I refuse to go down, making my way to an easier hill. By the afternoon, I have more confidence and so I make a conscious decision to work that edge between excitement and fear. If I let fear hold me back, not only will I keep myself from being able to experience the thrill and excitement that skiing can bring, but it can also lead to poor form, which ironically causes me to lose my balance and fall – the very thing I am afraid of.
My husband, Mark is an excellent skier whereas I would call myself a “wimpy skier”. In the spirit of working that excitement – fear edge, I watch him closely and begin to imitate what he does. He makes a turn a second. In order for me to try it, I need to push through the fear. Making turns that quickly causes me to go faster, but as I begin to realize, it also allows me to have more control and balance. Surprisingly, I find myself flying down the hill, but with a new sense of control. It’s an entirely different way to ski. It’s an entirely different experience.
Now, I want more. I have learned a new skill paired with the exhilaration of the experience and so I can’t wait to try it again and again. My confidence continues to grow as I practice my new skill. Mark suggests going to the other side of the mountain to check out the runs there. I say, “Let’s do it!!” What I don’t know is that these other runs are double black diamonds. Standing at the top looking down, fear begins to creep in. Mark says, “Come on, don’t think about it. Lets go!” Off he goes, swooshing down. I follow and find myself sliding sideways, fast on a long patch of ice that sends me right into some huge moguls. Uh oh. Maybe I have pushed the edge of excitement a little too far. Fear does have its place. It was right to be afraid of this hill. I am not quite ready for this. I sit there on the hill, stopped by a mogul. As I move to get up, I slip on the ice. I can’t get up without sliding. So I freeze up. I don’t move. I am stuck in fear. It’s like the fear I felt up on the mast in the “excitement turns to fear” dream. Mark is at the bottom of the hill looking up at me. I feel paralyzed. My cell phone rings. Oh good. It must be Mark calling me to give me some words of encouragement. I answer. It’s Mark, but instead of the sweet encouraging words I was expecting, he asks me in an irritated voice what I am doing!!! He tells me to get up and ski down the hill. That is Mark’s style of “encouragement”. I tell him all the reasons why I can’t do it and why I have decided to just take off my skis and slide down. He tells me again to get up and ski down. After we hang up, somehow I find the courage to get up and ski down the hill. It isn’t pretty, but I get down the hill. Later, Mark explains to me that he was trying to snap me out of the cycle of fear that I was in. The more I sat there thinking about how scary it was, the more scary it became. I needed to push through and get out of the fear cycle.
We have one more run before we call it a day. The sun is setting, giving us a beautiful pink and purple sky. We ski some blue squares and I get my confidence back again. At the end of the run, we come to a steep hill. Mark doesn’t hesitate and so I don’t either. I am using my new skill turning once every second. I am flying very fast down this hill. Faster than I ever have before. The excitement is thrilling, amazing. Now I get why people love this so much. As we approach the lodge, Mark points out that we have just come down the hill that I had refused to try at the beginning of the day.
Crossing back and forth over the line between excitement and fear is scary …..but it is so worth it.
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