Dream: Mark and I are in a car on the way to a vacation cottage. We get there and Rodger shows up bringing two house gifts with him: a beautiful plant and a home-made bread item that he tells me he made himself. I sit down with him at the table and look him in the eyes and say “thank-you.” I hope he realizes how much I appreciate the gifts. Now I get up and I walk over to the mirror. It’s quite a moment. It’s a strong feeling that is hard to explain. I gaze at myself and I am surprised at who I see at first but then it’s a feeling of recognition and maybe even love for myself. The image is very clear. I have dark, almost black, medium length hair parted on the side and I am maybe late teens, early twenties. I am wearing a skimpy top and my bra is showing. I adjust the top a little to get it straight and then I turn and look at my back and the bra is completely showing along with the straps. I notice it and I think – that’s the style these days. Meg (my sister) is there and we start to chase each other around – teasing each other, laughing, acting like little kids.
The last session’s homework was to feel the pain and sadness of the loss of the baby (click HERE to see previous blog entry). Feeling the feelings of the homework can be overwhelming at times. I told Rodger that I’d been feeling sadness from the homework but at least I wasn’t “wallowing” in it. He asked, “Why not wallow?” I guess it never occurred to me that it would be ok to wallow. I told him that I need to be able to function in my life. For these two weeks I felt like things were falling apart. I was disorganized, missing appointments, my house was a mess. We try to be in control. We feel bad if all of our ducks aren’t in a row. But the dreams help me to see past that part of me. What is more important than a clean house is that I am feeling the loss of the baby, my soul self. Before I can move forward, I need to feel that loss. And so, through the messy house, the missed appointments and my disorganized life, I am feeling. And this is good.
I am learning to be grateful for the feelings. All of them. This gratitude shows up in my dream and it leads me to my soul girl.
In the dream, Rodger (as the Animus) shows up with gifts and I feel a deep sense of gratitude. The gifts are less important than the way I receive them and feeling that I have about them. It’s a feeling like – Wow! Do I really get to have these? The grateful feeling is so strong in the dream. Rodger asks how this relates to my waking life. Lately, I’ve been feeling incredible gratitude for my life. Dreamwork has led me to these feelings and I let Rodger know how grateful I am to work with him. Then I tell him about the other night when I was taking out the trash. I looked up at the stars, the moon, the trees and I felt an amazing feeling like –Wow! I get to be a part of all of this. So awesome. When I told Rodger about this moment he responded by saying, “And when you felt that, did the missed appointments and the messy house matter any more?” And of course the answer was no.
When I can see through these eyes of gratitude, I am able to look in the mirror and see myself as I truly am. What an incredible dream moment. It took a little bit for me to get it. I stood there staring at myself, trying to get my bearings. But finally I got it. It was me. I stared at my young self and I felt a recognition and a sense of love for myself.
I notice that my bra is showing but I am carefree. There is no shame, no worry. I am in my soul. And from this place, I can run and play, love and be with my sister.
This dream is a shift from the dreams of pain from the last session. But like the title of the last blog post indicates, pain can be a door. Feeling the pain from those dreams may be what led me to this dream of gratitude and love.
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