Dream: I am driving down our neighborhood street and I am having trouble getting through because there has been an accident. I try to squeeze through but I can’t. I don’t care that there has been an accident. I just see it as an inconvenience. Now Julia is in the car with me. I look down and I see a lit cigarette there. I ask her if it is hers and she admits that it is. I feel anger rise as I pick it up. I open the car door and stamp it out on the ground. I say, “That’s it! You are grounded.” But as soon as a say it I wish I hadn’t. It’s not really how I want to be with her. I feel conflicted. Now I am backing up the car down the street. I really want to drive in reverse like that. I get to a house where there’s a birthday party. Moms are bringing their kids there to the party. I need to sit and wait for them to get out of my way so I can keep backing up. I feel a little impatient. I make eye contact with one of the moms. My tone softens a little as I sit and wait. Finally now I can be on my way. I end up turning the car around and going forward to leave. There doesn’t seem to be anything in the way now.

Often in our lives, our soul selves get lost as our unconscious ego-selves drives us. Dreams of being in the driver’s seat, driving forward, often suggest just that – that the ego-self is in the driver’s seat. The dream begins with me being unable to drive forward. Its like the ego wants to squeeze through past the accident but it can’t. A compassionate reaction to an accident is interest, concern for the well-being of those involved. But I don’t care about the accident or any trauma or pain that might be associated with it. Pain can be a door to the soul self. A door away from ego. It’s there for me but I see it as an inconvenience.

Now I catch my teenage daughter with a cigarette and I immediately snap with alligator anger. The unconscious reaction comes on strong here. But just as quickly, I want to take it back. Reverse my harsh stance. At that moment I realize there is something else driving me. So I start backing up.

Rodger and I discuss driving in reverse. Is it the ego-self trying to find another way to drive me? Or is it a reversing or loosening of the ego’s normal modus operandi? I’d like to think that it’s the latter.

As I’m driving in reverse, I get stopped again. This time there are moms and kids in my way. At first I react with impatience, but then my tone softens as I make eye contact with another mom.

The reversal of my harsh stance with Julia and the softening of impatience indicate that there is shifting going on inside me. But the ego doesn’t let go that easily. But the end of the dream, I get myself turned around and I am driving forward. Perhaps the ego is driving me again.