Dream: I’ve just driven to Rodney Street (where Mark and I first lived). I’m trying to get to my house but I can’t open my eyes to find my way. I am sitting on the sidewalk feeling so discouraged and helpless. I feel unable to move. I don’t know what to do. A woman comes to me and says, “Oh my God! I can’t believe its you!” She begins to hug me. We stand there hugging for the longest time. I feel so loved by her. I keep saying, “I’m so tired” over and over again. Finally after we have hugged for a while I can open my eyes. Now I can make my way home. I walk in to the house and the place is a mess. I hear some people talking in the back room. I quietly go up the stairs so they won’t hear me. I’ll have to clean up this mess tomorrow.
Rodger asks me where I feel this feeling of paralysis, of blindness, of not knowing what to do, of being unable to move.
There are days when I feel just that…. paralyzed, unsure of what to do. In fact, although I had this dream almost 6 months ago, that is exactly how I have been feeling today. It’s unsettling. Like I am caught in a spiral of never ending uncertainty, like I am going round and round, spinning. I look for an outside reason to explain it and can find none. Rodger calls it overwhelming uncertainty.
Overwhelming uncertainty is a place of un-feeling.
This is the polar opposite of seeing my girl-self in the mirror. (click HERE to read “Girl in the Mirror”)
Seeing the girl so clearly vs. the blindness, this hellish place.
This dream shows me how I’ve been living. It’s the opposite of the place of the recognition that I felt when I saw my girl image. It’s like a default place where I become disconnected.
When the Anima and I hug, I can feel her love. I feel so, so tired. Living from a place of blindness and paralysis is exhausting. After my connection with her, I can see. But when I leave her, I am alone again. I walk into my house and see the mess. The girl energy would not be concerned with the mess. The dream knows that this is a perfect way to show me the way I get pulled in and down. What exactly is it that I feel when I see the mess? I don’t really know. I need to feel the feeling of it rather than sneaking up the stairs and jumping back into overwhelming uncertainty.
When I have days like today, where I feel that overwhelming uncertainty again, I get discouraged. But going back over this dream from six months ago helps to orient me. There is a feeling underneath the uncertainty that needs to be felt. Knowing it’s there is key.
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