Dream: I’m standing in front of a mirror fixing my hair. I’m about 17 years old, all dressed up looking pretty. A big tall black guy comes over to me and asks if he can help me fix my hair. I like him and I’m flirting with him. I say, “OK, how about this. I’ll fix it my way first and then you can fix it your way.”  So I brush it getting it just right. Then he comes over and stands right behind me. We are looking at ourselves in the mirror. He’s a head taller than me and now he reaches his long arms around me and begins brushing my hair. I like this situation. I like that he is standing close to me. We are having fun together. I can see in the mirror that I am wearing a red headband and he is wearing a red sweatband on his head. I say to him,  “We match!”

I love that the Archetypes can come in so many different ways. Here the Animus shows up as a big tall black guy. He approaches me and tries to find a way to relate to me by offering to help me fix my hair. Also he is wearing a red sweat band to match my red head band. I love that little detail! I have an opportunity to connect with the Animus but I don’t exactly jump right in. He asks me if he can help me with my hair and instead of just saying “yes” I offer up a deal. Although I really like him and I feel attracted to him, I am not eager to have him come mess up my hair. Rodger asks me if that comes up in my life – wanting things to be “just right” – like my hair.  Well, yes. Hair has always been an “issue” with me. I’ve always struggled with it – trying to get it “just right.” This may seem like such a trivial issue – hair. But then Rodger asks me if I am a perfectionist. In some ways I can be.  He points out – perfectionism is pathological. Being perfect = being in control. Allowing things to not be perfect = being vulnerable….and the vulnerable girl is the one who can relate to the Animus.

The Animus ignores my little deal and just starts brushing my hair knowing that it will help me to connect with him. Rodger suggests that the Animus knows me at a deeper level than I know myself. He connects with me in a way that allows me to feel vulnerable. As soon as he begins brushing my hair I don’t care one bit about my hair looking “just right” anymore. I just love being with him.

Dreamwork is not linear.  I love that in this dream, I am the teenage girl connecting with the Animus. But I have had dreams since this one where I have incredible fear again. This back and forth can be confusing and frustrating. Just when I think I am making “progress” I seem to slide back again. But progress in this work is different than how it is perceived in the waking life world. The work can’t be viewed through this lens. It must be seen through the lens of the inner world. Progress in the inner world is not about working really hard towards achieving a goal.  Even though it’s called dream work, it’s a different kind of work. This work is more about letting go. But the letting go can be very difficult because we are so used to doing, so used to “being in control” and wanting everything to be “just right”.